Saturday, May 13, 2017

DNC Proposes New Cheese Labeling Standards

Proposed New Labels to Prevent Cheesy Micro-Aggressions*

Washington, DC, May 13: Democrat minority leader Nancy Pelosi proposed a House bill today that would address micro-aggressive labeling by American cheese-makers. The specific type of cheese targeted bears the label "White American Cheese Slices".  Under the new law, this product would be labeled "International Cheese with Pigmentation Impairment."  This new labeling would address the America-centric micro-aggressions that non-Americans might experience as well as the Caucasian-specific racial overtones engendered by the product label. LGBTQ Advocates have also requested a rider removing the term "Singles" due to the hetero-sexual micro-aggressions engendered by the sexist term "single" which implies a difference between unmarried and married persons, especially between hetero-normal individuals and non-traditional gender embracing persons. The LGBTQ Alliance further seeks a ban on the term hetero-normal, though for the life of them, they couldn't think of another word to use for straight people (other than "straight" which is also a micro-aggression to gender creative individuals.

Former speaker Pelosi further proposed a ban on the term "Pigs in a blanket" when referring to a popular U.S breakfast food. The DNC has petitioned the food and drug administration and the Federal Communications Commission to purge all such references from Internet food websites, recipe books, product labeling and school lunchroom menus, replacing the term with the more educational and progressive term, "white cops in a straight jacket" in order to promote awareness of the need to rein in our out of control law enforcement officers, and in particular, white officers. The petition is also supported by the National Organization of Women, The Service Employees International Union, The National Education Agency, Black Lives Matter, the International Communist Party and the former Pope Benedict.

© 2017 by Tom King

 * Just a reminder for those of you in Rio Linda, San Francisco, Portland, and Seattle. This post is satire. It's meant to be funny, not truth. Please do not pass this news item to your friends and fellow social justice warriors. I made it all up to make fun of you. I'm sorry, but when I was making breakfast and saw the White Cheese slices sitting there, my twisted mind was off to the races (which PETA would not have approved of, but hey). Please accept this in the spirit in which it was intended. Or better yet, you could sit on your sofa, watch old episodes of The West Wing and Madam Secretary and wallow in self-pity till your fingers get all pruney. whichever makes you feel better (or worse if that's what you are going for). Enjoy! And leave a nasty comment below if that will help. I can take it.

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