Wednesday, September 2, 2015
The GMO Presidents - A Conspiracy Theory
I think that Barak Obama is a genetic experiment (cue the X-Files music). For that matter so were the rest of the Democrat presidential candidates for the last 40 years. This blog post was first suggested by another blog post by Mark Milliorn, history professor at Enema U whose work I have long admired. Over the painful years of the Obama presidency, I have begun to wonder about the nature of the individuals that Democrats choose as presidential candidates. At last, through diligent research in the darker recesses of the Internet and among back issues of the National Enquirer littered with space alien conspiracies, I think I know what's going on!
I have a theory that the Democrats are conducting genetic experiments trying to produce the ultimate president. It started with Jimmy Carter who was an early attempt to create a half Christian/half Marxist. As we know it didn't turn out very well and their next two attempts (half German/half weasel and half robot/half Kitchen-Aid Toaster) were not terribly popular with the electorate.
Democrat geneticists finally hit a workable combination that did manage to capture the imagination of the voters the next go-round with the half redneck/half testoterone-soaked Jackrabbit that was Bill Clinton. They then made two consecutive attempts at reanimating the dead, both of which failed (with the last one you could still see the bolts sticking out of his neck, which creeped people out).
They hit the jackpot (or genepot) again, finally, with the half guilty white liberal/half black communist candidate they ran successfully in 2008. This version came out of the more traditional liberal husbandry program being run out of Harvard University. Unfortunately, flushed with success, the Democrat scientists apparently have been resting on their laurels during the Obama years (perhaps expecting them never to end). According to my cocaine-addled sources within the White House, the Democrats' next experimental presidential candidate wasn't quite ready for the 2016 election cycle. Apparently Biden is a demonstration of what happens when you breed too closely - like hip dyspalsia in certain dog breeds like St. Bernards and German Shepherds and too-narrow skulls in Dobermann's that cause their brains to be squeezed. That would explain a lot of the Vice-President's public statements over the years.
So instead, the perfect presidential candidate breeding program decided to recycle The Bride of Half Jackrabbit/Half Handsy Redneck. They were fortunate in that Bride was the product of an early abortive attempt to create a guilty white liberal/socialist/feminist. At this point, they are hoping to keep her erect for at least as long as it takes to get elected and to keep the husband of guilty white liberal/socialist/feminist from groping the female campaign workers (at least not in public) - in other words, not so erect.
To hedge their bets, the Dems are also offering up a pair of earlier experimental attempts at breeding an acceptable honky Marxist. Both are a little long in the tooth, having been kept in the lab pens for several decades, but they don't have anything else at present. So a hoary old leftist and the old dim-witted serial groper have been trotted out by the team as an alternative offering just in case the Bride of Clintonstein accidentally wanders off deeper into the email mine field or grabs hold of a solar electric transformer and blows herself up.
I hear they're planning a black/Hispanic/feminist/communist hybrid for 2020, but so far, they've been unable to make one that is a reliably pro-choice atheist Marxist. The specimens keep sneaking off to go to Mass and have lunch at Taco Bueno and Popeye's. They had to dispose of two, that I know, of recently because they just couldn't keep them from shopping at Walmart.
But the Dems still have faith in genetic science (except the kind that produces better crops, prevents childhood diseases and keeps the elderly alive longer). As the old saying goes, "Hope springs eternal in the Progressive Socialist Petrie dishes.
(c) 2015 by Tom King