I have a theory that the Democrats are conducting genetic experiments trying to produce the ultimate president. It started with Jimmy Carter who was an early attempt to create a half Christian/half Marxist. As we know it didn't turn out very well. He became confused, froze up and began to consult his daughter on nuclear proliferation policy. Their next two attempts produced a half German/half weasel and half robot/half Kitchenaid Toaster. These iterations of the perfect Democrat president were not popular with the electorate.
They say third times the charm. They finally hit a workable combination that managed to capture the imagination of the voters the next go-round with the half redneck/half Jackalope that was Bill Clinton. He actually managed to hang on for two terms, though his Jackalope genes nearly got him canned for diddling the White House interns.
The big brains down at the DNC then made two consecutive attempts at reanimating the dead which both failed. With the last one you could still see the bolts sticking out of his neck, which creeped people out. They hit again, finally with a half guilt-ridden white liberal/half black communist hybrid in 2008. To everyone's shock, especially the race unawoke holdovers down at the DNC, this specimen proved "clean and articulate"as one aging don put it. He was so impressed with this iteration of the perfect Democrat president that he might have actually approved of him going to his daughter's school back in the 80s and 90s. He actually agreed to be the Veep and to be frozen next to Walt Disney for the duration.
Unfortunately for the DNC, who had been resting on their collective laurels, their next experiment wasn't quite ready for the 2016 election. So, desperate for another hashmark in the win column, they recycled the Bride of Half Jackalope/Half Handsy Redneck in the person of an abortive guilty white liberal/socialist/feminist experiment that they hoped would be able to remain erect for at least as long as it took to get elected. To hedge their bets, the Dems also offered up a pair of earlier experimental attempts at breeding an acceptable woke honky Marxist. They were a little long in the tooth, having been kept in the lab (one of them frozen) for several decades. The hoary old leftist and the dim-witted serial groper were trotted out during the primaries as an alternative offering just in case the Bride of Clintonstein accidentally wandered off into a mine field during the debates, grabbed hold of an electrical transformer and blew herself up which she very nearly did before the FBI wrapped her up in electrical tape. The FBI equivalent of Baghdad Bob got up before the press and confidently told a panting press corps "Nothing to see here. The Democrats are rolling over the Republican challengers on all fronts." The collapse of this latest feminist heir apparent shocked the DNC to their bones.
Smart DNC geneticists began immediately trying to genetically engineer a female/black/Hispanic/feminist/communist hybrid that couldn't lose. After the first year everyone got so distracted by the impeachment effort that the experiments failed to create a candidate that is a reliably pro-choice atheist Marxist progressive. The specimens keep sneaking off to go to Mass or have lunch at Taco Bueno and Popeye's. They had to dispose of two that I know of recently (with the help of the Clinton Foundation which has experience with eliminating troublesome units), They just couldn't keep these particular clones from shopping at Walmart.
But the Dems still have faith in genetic science (except the kind that produces better crops, prevents disease and keeps the elderly alive longer). As the old saying goes, "Hope springs eternal in the Progressive Socialist Petrie dishes." For now they've trotted out a candidate they've had frozen in a can next to Walt Disney for the past 3 years. His brain's a little muddled, but he's not likely to visit Walmart or Taco Bueno, mostly because he couldn't find any of those places on his own.
© 2020 by Tom King
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