OFFICIALS SEEK TALIBAN RECRUITER - Ooh, ooh, pick me, pick me!

According to the Sunday paper headlines officials are searching for a Taliban recruiter.  As a good card-carrying conservative, I decided rather than actually reading the article, I'd just go ahead and go off on a rant if that's okay with you.

The economy sucks.  Nearly one in five of us is out of work if you count the guys that flat gave it up and are hibernating for the winter. I saw that headline about them needing a Taliban recruiter and I thought, "You know, I could do that."

I could send those boys some real prizes to trick out as suicide bombers.  America is such a fertile ground for finding candidates for a job as a one way mystery shopper. I can imagine the interviews with the fellers I'd send old Achmed the Terrorist Human Resources Director.

SCENE: A Cave in Afghanistan

(Achmacrankypants the Terrorist Human Resources Director enters and seats himself behind a dead water buffalo that is serving as a desk.)

Achmacrankypants:  Miss Farouch, send in first Amerikan jihadist applicant!  And bring me coffee – extra goat milk.  My stomach is making noise like camel.

Miss Farouch:  Infidel number 1. Approach!

Cletus: “Howdy there.”

Achmacrankypants: You are Mr. Cletus Hogwallow

Cletus: Yup!

Achmacrankypants: You wish to join the Taliban and kill imperialist Yankee dogs?

Cletus: Jest point me toward them rascals.

Achmacrankypants: You will wage jihad!

Cletus: Yeeha!

Achmacrankypants: It is called Jihad!

Cletus: Yeeha!

Achmacrankypants: No, it is Jihad!

Cletus: That's what I said. Yeeha!

Achmacrankypants: I am admiring your spirits.  Let's try on special vest.
(Hands vest with dynamite and detonators to Cletus)

Cletus: Hey, I like this outfit there Mr. :Poopypants.  Hoo, boy, that there's some big old shotgun shells on this thang.

Achmacrankypants: Now, we just plug this wire in here like this.  Now you hold this little box like this.....

Cletus: I gotcha. This is one o' them radio thangs or somethin' ain't it?

Achmacrankypants:    Yes, Mr. Cletus. You must go and stand in the Yankee Imperialist Swine Market and push this button when I say to push it.

Cletus: Like this?

Achmacrankypants: No, no, no.  You must wait until I say “Push” on the radio.

Cletus: Push?

Achmacrankypants: Push

Cletus: Push?

Achmacrankypants: Yes, Push!

Cletus: Okay................

BOOOOOOOOOOOM!

I bet I can find a bunch of really exciting new Taliban recruits for 'em.

Tom King – Flint, TX

The Screwworm Letters #2

"with apologies to C.S. Lewis"


From:
Uncle Screwworm - Administrative Assistant
Office of Grand Marshall Goebbeleninstalin.
Bulgea 1313 Fifth Circle
Attila the Hun Memorial Administrative Complex, Hell

To:
President Wormtongue
The Whitehouse
Nation Whose Name is not Spoken Among Us, Earth

My Dear Nephew Wormtongue,

I am disappointed to say the least in your performance.  I believe I warned you of the consequences of allowing unfettered discussion of your policies in the media by certain elements over which you have limited fiduciary and technical control.  Your failure to enact legislation to create a "fair" regulatory system for the news and entertainment media is, perhaps, the greatest failure of your already miserable career.

Did you really think that passing out a few tax rebate trinkets would distract the plebian class from the fact that there are 6 unemployed workers for every available job including the ones flipping burgers?  Did you really think that you could get away with continuing to blame your predecessor for everything that goes on for the rest of your administration without somebody catching on?

We gave you that one years ago and it served you well right up until it became obvious that you were the one in charge.  To hear you talk about how it's all his fault, you'd think HE was still the president instead of you!

And why, for Lucifer's sake, did you waste a bulletproof majority in the Senate? Did you not realize that even a Kennedy cannot hold a senate seat once he is dead? You have nearly lost the opportunity to collapse the economy. This is essential. If you do not do it before the next election cycle, all may be lost and you will become about as useful as an East Texas Democrat!

And did you actually say, in front of a live microphone, that you weren't aware of the Tea Party movement? Are you deliberately trying to look incompetent.  One slip like that and you can spin it with a centrifuge and it won't help. 

Ah, but enough coaching.  All is not lost. Let me suggest how you recover (short of "accidentally" blowing up a couple of dozen Republicans as that ham-fisted idiot you hired as your chief of staff suggested - you really need to do something about that situation, you really do).

(1) Shut up!  The more you say, the easier it is to quote you. Gone are the halcyon days when a politician could give speeches in 3 separate states and say 3 contradictory things and get away with it. Since the invention of the camera cell phone, digital recorders, pocket video taping and YouTube, people can compare your speeches side by side and pick out the exact points where you are obviously adapting the facts to suit the audience.  Sadly most of the cretins in your country cannot understand the need for nuance in public speaking.  Of course, the sycophantic amateur philosophers we have trained to use that extremely valuable word, "nuance" do understand that.  All the 'best schools' teach that you have to "adjust" facts for the consumption of the weak-minded masses. We have had great success promoting the idea that college trained minds are capable of nuanced thought. Our colleges of journalism and marketing are chocked with arrogant youth who believe absolutely the most useful idea that their ideology (which is actually our ideology) is correct and that it is the ideological ends that justify the means.  So while they believe that they cannot themselves be fooled by their own propaganda, the untutored masses certainly can be. When you speak doublespeak, they understand that you do so for the sake of the unwashed proletariat and that, since they are not fooled by the lie, they are privvy to the over-arching truth and therefore, above it all.

Unfortunately for you, you great booby, simple people, simply think you're lying!  If you are going to outright lie, for Our Father Below's sake, make sure the damned cameras are off! Security concerns and metal detectors are useful in this regard.  Did you not learn at Harvard that if you remain silent, people will assume you are wise.  You cannot be ridiculed for what you have not said.  You may believe your tongue is still golden, but just about no one else still does. Even those who worship you in the media have been hard pressed to continue that faltering ad campaign.

(2) Move faster.  Stop apologizing for your failings.  Remember, you have the power. You are the power. You are incapable of failure!  They must inevitably fall before you.  Remember to keep pushing that sense of inevitably.  Make it happen.  Nothing can stop you, even now. 

(3) Keep hammering the Republicans:   Remember, the Republicans want desperately to be liked. Stroke them when they are well behaved. As it is when you are training your dog, reward anything that is even close to the behavior you want from them. Reward them with praise and special backdoor rewards that their constituents back home know nothing about.  Punish them when they are naughty, but make it come from everywhere else. Then offer them treats if they will sit for you.

(4) Ignore the Tea Parties:  This technique worked well to isolate and eliminate dangerous conservatives from being nominated in the last election. Do not talk about them. Do not respond to them.  Pretend they do not exist and they will tire and go away.  If they do not, you always have the internment camps after the revolution. FEMA has all those nice tents and trailers and Guantanamo will be cleared out.

(5) When the great collapse and revolution comes, remember that, though you personally may not survive, you will have served the greater good.  And we will have a special spot for you where you can watch the action. Who knows, if you keep on the way you have been, you might get to "be" the action.

Hungrily,

Uncle Screwworm.

Deconstructing Lincoln - Are There Progressive Double Agents in Our Midst?

The Socialist Sappers Prepare for the Invasion

I just read a vicious diatribe against Abraham Lincoln, complete with footnotes, condemning him as the worst president ever, a threat to the constitution and war-monger. The guy professes to be a conservative, but I wonder sometimes.

I read a lot of history and I've read Lincoln's speeches and writings and I do not find the man this guy describes. If one quotes Southern newspapers, Copperhead Democrats and their allies, sure, you get the message that Lincoln was just as evil as this guy portrays him. But then if you pick and choose your "authorities" you can make a case for any private belief about those terrible days in our history. There were a few honorable men in those days and often they were surrounded by an impossibly corrupt body politic.  These honorable men and women were placed there by God, I believe, to stand in the breach and defend us from the true enemy of all mankind.


What Lincoln did do, for all his perceived failings, was by his words instill generations of men and women with the dedication to the idea that all men are created equal. The South clung desperately to the idea that some men were created more equal than others for more than two hundred years - even long after the Civil War and into the 20th century.  Rags of that belief about the inherent inferiority of people of color still drift on the political winds in the South and even in the North where the culture is supposed to be above all that.  I doubt seriously the South would ever have given up that idea of racial superiority on their own. I know, because I grew up in the South and I witnessed the stupid blind racial prejudice of my own forbears first hand, bred into them when they ought to have known better.


It's odd that someone like my friend, who argues from the far right on most occasions, would choose at this time to make Lincoln the evil one in 19th century history, as though all those poor slave-holding Democrats were simply misunderstood. It's odd that the new anti-Lincoln conservatives argue that Lincoln should have negotiated more with the South and that would have worked. Odd for a conservative to favor negotiation as the cure-all for slavery. This guy even suggests that if Congress had simply expanded slave territory as the Southern planters politely requested, the good-hearted slave owners would have had more room to relieve over-crowding in the slave pens and bought time for them to end slavery in an orderly fashion (as though the Southern gentlemen were working busily to end slavery all on their own).

If the writer had any experience of the South at its cultural pinnacle, he too would recognize what a flying load of horse excrement that idea is. The South wanted to expand slave-holding territory so they could insure there were enough votes in the Senate and House to stave off something like the Emancipation Proclamation. Negotiation only prolonged the agony. We should be ashamed we did not put an end to slavery sooner than we did - on principle!

NEGOTIATION!???!!!

Do these guys honestly think negotiation would have ended slavery? Were they not paying attention in 6th grade history? You don't end an evil by compromising with it. I think the far right blogosphere has been seeded by the progressives with counter-insurgents. You can tell who they are because of how much they sound like Obama when you get them heated up.


Extend that same rationale that my friend has suggested be applied to the slave states to our Middle East policy and we should just go talk things out with the nice Islamo-Facist states and all would be well. No pre-conditions, just a nice chat on the porch, maybe some lemonade and mint juleps..... I'm just certain that would work so much better than us blowing up terrorist bases willy nilly. I mean, somebody could get hurt with all those nasty guns and things. If we negotiate with them and stop shooting, then that would make them like us, wouldn't it?

I have an idea! Let's let them have Europe so they have room to relieve over-crowding in Palestine and Yemen and the Sudan. That will give them time to put an end to terrorism voluntarily. You know they really don't want to be terrorists and if we just give them a chance and show them how nice we really are, they'll come around and be nice to us!

NEGOTIATE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Great flying buckets of penguin poop, would you read something besides the revisionist progressive/socialist/Marxist history please?


The Civil War was frightfully bloody BECAUSE it was preceded by decades of brilliant negotiation by Daniel Webster, Henry Clay and the like. The result of all this brilliant negotiation was that Southern gentlemen did decades more of further slave-based profit-taking and brutalized hundreds of thousands of slaves in the process, locking them more firmly into the slave system than ever and damaging their culture so badly that the effects are still to be seen today in the ghettos and 'hoods of our major cities where millions wait passively for Massa Obama to bring them something from his magical Obama stash.

It was about damned time someone stood up and said ENOUGH. As it was, to get the thing done required every ounce of negotiation, compromise, double talk and conniving President Lincoln could do, to stand up to the planterocracy. He bent the hell out of the constitution, that's certain, but he saved a nation and freed a whole race of people in the process.

If a group of the states decide to go Marxist and began marching guys like me off to the gulags for not going along, I rather hope we get a president as willing as Lincoln to do what it takes. Somewhere it says that "All men are created equal and are endowed by their creator with certain inalienable rights, and that among these are life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness." The founding fathers changed that last line. It started out "life, liberty and property" but they wanted to eventually end slavery and didn't want to lock the new government into protecting slaves as "property". Four score and seven years later they were still "negotiating" to free those slaves and nowhere nearer to achieving that goal.


Now, we face a new kind of slavery - slavery to an ideology that views man as a mass and not as individuals and demands service to an elite leadership and not to the ideal of liberty. We are up against an ideology willing to lie, cheat and commit mass murder to insure, not equality, but sameness of all. It is a great evil come upon us and this is not the time to start denigrating the very heroes who have stood in the breach in our past and fought for freedom. That is what the enemy sappers will do to prepare our nation for conquest - blow up our icons and knock down the very symbols that teach us to do right.  The idea is to leave us without heroes and heroic stories so that we may be left wandering aimlessly about without direction or purpose when the invasion comes.

The people will save their government, if the government itself will allow them.
- Abraham Lincoln

"It is always requires the voluntary shedding of the blood of good men to purge an entrenched evil from the world."

You can quote me on that one.

Tom King - Flint, TX
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